dazed and confused

hi there all...its been a long long while since i have posted anything on this site.  ive been really busy with school and work and whatnot, that i havent had time to do much of anything.  sme things have happened since the last entry that i posted....im doing ok in school, i am ahppy at work, most of the time and i have an incredible boyfriend who sweeps me off my feet everytime we see eachother....its the best feeling ever, and i think i can honestly say that this is the by far, teh best relationship, ive been in.

girl and guy were speeding over 100 mph on the road on a motorcycle...
Girl: Slow down, I'm scared.
Guy: No, this is fun.
Girl: No it's not. Please it's too scary!
Guy: Then tell me you love me.
Girl: Fine I love you. Slow down!
Guy: Now give me a BIG hug.
Girl hugs him
Guy: Can you take my helmet off and put it on yourself? It's bugging me.
(in the paper the next day): A motorcycle had crashed into a building because of brake failure. Two people were on it, but only 1 had survived. The truth was that halfway down the road, the guy realized that his brakes broke, but he didn't want to let the girl know. Instead, he had her say she loved him and felt her hug one last time, then he had her wear his helmet so that she would live even though it meant that he would die.

now, this is what i call love!!!.....

so yeah......tomorrow (10/10) is my birthday...my 21st birthday.......and yeah....i should be out celebrating right now or at least i should be happy, but, here i am, sitting at my comp desk, unhappy as all hell, and pretty much crying my eyes out...yeah....my dad is being a fucking jerk to me, and of all the times he could be one, he has to pick tonite....i was at great america all day...having fun with my good friend kim and her daughter (who i love like my sister)....going on all the rides, getting scared by ugly creepy people...yeah...it was a blast....so...i told my dad i would give him a call during the day to let him know how things were going....we both left our cell phones in the car, so i didnt have a chance to call him.  i called as we were leaving.  so when he answers the phone, he said, next time, dont make promises you cant keep....then, he hung up...of all the nites to be a fuckin jerk, he picks tonite....so yeah....i am depressed.....i need a shot of jagermeister to cure the pain!!!!!...on a happier note.....paul and i are together...i love the way he makes me feel like a person, unlike some people who only want me as a piece of ass.....

oh well....shit happens, right?

so.....heres the scoop.  when u have a  FWB (friend with benefits), are feelings supposed to develop?  i thought that maybe it was just a fling....someone to pass the time with, with no strings attached.  well..i had one of them FWBs, and we have been "hanging out" for a couple years now...but we have known eachother since we were both in middle school.  when we started "hanging out", we had decided that we wouldnt let feelings develop between us.  i knew that it would be hard for me not to, cuz i did like him.  so...the more we hung out together, the closer we got, and the more the feelings grew.  he confessed to me how long he has liked me and that we have waited long enuf.  we both had feelings  that we werent sure were real or not.  so yesterday and today, we finally confirmed it.  the feelings are there for eachother, and they are real.  so now...we decided that we are officially a couple.  its weird cuz its what i have wanted him to say to me for the longest time, and now that he has, i am left speechless.  its a good thing tho...cuZ I  believe that i can be truly happy with him.  so..anywho,  i am going to a formal dance at school on the 3rd of dec, and he is my date....I CANT WAIT!!!.  i am gonna look so pertyfull....and he is gonna look so damn sexy.  yum!! on a higher note, 5 more days (10/10) and its P A R T Y TIME!!!.Y U ASK?...WELL, I TURN 21!!!!i mean...its not like i wont be doing anything that i havent been doing.  oh well...i am off to bed now....i will be able to sleep cuz i got to taste the sweetness of his kiss tonite, and it felt awesome!!

omg.....for the first time ever, i have heard a very good song....its from green day, and its called 'wake me up when september ends........and let me tell you....i cried....really hard... its kinda stupid to cry at a song right?  well, the reason y i cried was because the video is about a couple who really loves eachother....the guy decides hes gonan enlist in the army, and he goes over seas somewhere,,,,,the girl is pretty much heart broken and he doesnt come back...in the video, she tells him that he will always have someone when he gets back..at this point, i began to cry,only because those were the exact same words i said to matt when i found out he might have to go overseas to iraq.  the video so reminded me of matt and myself, it wasnt even funny.  the way the girl acted when she heard the news, and the way the couple loved eachother was so much like matt and myself.....scary shit....seeing that video makes me miss matt even more than i already do.  damn...it sux royally....cuz he is so damn far away from me, and i cant have him.  i have all the poems he wrote me and the pics we took together in my room, and from what his grandma told me, he took the pics of us that he had, and all the poems that i wrote him with him...damn it!!!! i want him back in my life so bad, it hurts..  it hurts to think about him..it hurts to look at pics and read his poems....damnit!!!! damnit!!! damnit!!!!

I MISS YOU MATT!!!!!!!

so yeah....today....not much happened...i had my demo practice at the ymca for my taekwondo class....they get on my nerves sometimes....but oh well....they are kids...what can u expect right?....but anywho.....today, i watched the movie thirteen with my daddy.  if u havent seen the movie, its about a middle school girl who makes friends with this girl who ends up having a bad influence on her..so...anywho... my dad thought htat this would be a good movie to watch because of soemthing i went through in high school...i had a friend who had a bad influence on me, and this movie brought back old memories about her.  this girl n the movie who made the friend, was cuttin hersekf and hurting herself in other ways...i found myself actually getting teary eyed when i saw the way she was harming herself...y u ask?....well....back in high school..and sometimes now, i find myself getting depressed, and when i did, i sometimes harmed myself....i felt bad, for not saying anything to my dad, because him and i are very close, and i hate keeping things from him.  but yeah...i guess i am ok now...i mean...i just finished wiping my eyes...so,,,i can see clearly now...but yeah.....ok...enuf depressing things now...on a somewhat good note, i start school next sunday...yup...wish me luck ok?

so yeah....i am here again.....and i am not sure what to write about in here.....OH YEAH.....MATT!!!....i still am completely clueless as to why i cant stop thinking about him.  is it because he's my first love? or maybe cause we shared so much and had so much in common?  i will never know except for the factt hat i love him.....always and forever...i will....but yeah.....i look around at many of my friends, and they are all in these happy relationships.....becca+steve, katelyn+josh,etc...so yeah.....but now...theres john....we broke up in febuary of this year, and...i'm not sure if i loved him as much i lead myself to believe i did.  i mean...we had our moments...the special ones that one would chose not to forget...but i cant help but think and wonder if hes gonna be all right over where he is...but yeah......i am so damn confused, its not even funny.....i get mixed feelings about so much stuff and people(mostly men)..GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.......it pisses me off because i wish i can be happy like veryone else.......i want to be one of the happy shiney people....and i cant find myself being like that.....

but anywho....i think i have done enuf complaining for one nite....u think?.....ok..i am off to bed now....me so tired.....another quote/poem to leave u with....

meeting you was fate, becoming your friend was a choice, but falling in love with yo was beyond my control.

feeling so alone
with nothing left to share
i cant believe its over
it wasnt even fair.
it ended all so sudden
just like the blink of an eye
but it was very hard
for me to say goodbye.
you left without a hug
and even one long kiss
i knew these were the things
that i would reatly miss.
i cant believe you left me
is this what you wanted to do
i tried my very best
to cherish all of you
but was that good enough
you never let me know
and when you finally told me
you said it was time to go.

so yeah.....i know i havent written in here in a long while, but i might have a few things to say.  first off, i want to say that i am now a 4th degree black belt.  secondly, i want to say i am anxious to start school...i start on the 28th, which so happens to be a sunday.  lastly, i want to say that all the people that i know who are now over seas in iraq, i wish u the best of luck.  bryan, john, matt....all of u guys...ur thoughts and prayers are in my heart.  matt especially...i am mostly going to miss.  even though we arent together....i will always love u.  i can never forget the times we shared together...but anywho....on a happier note, i lost 8 lbs!!...no reason y, but i did....i am going to the 3 doors down concert on the 27th of this month, and then on october 10th i turn 21!!!..HELLS YEAH!!!!...i cant wait!!!!whats going on in my life right now?...well, i am currently single...but i do have a few crushes.  yeah...they wouldnt be called crushes if they werent supposed to hurt, right?.....i need to move on with my life.....its hard, but its somethign that needs to be done.....ok..i am gonan go now...i leave you with this quote/saying and a poem:

love is everything its craked up to be.  thast why people are so cynical about it.  it really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for.  and the trouble is, if you dont risk anything, you risk even more.

take my breath away
i can barely stand.
make sure that you grab me
and take my out stretched hand.

i feel like a bird.
i'm as happy as can be.
i felt this way because
you did these things to me.

you grabbed my hand and held it.
you made me feel whole.
i felt this way because
it was my heart you stole.

you held me in your arms
and you really made my day.
i felt this way because
you took my pains away.

all the fear i had
slowly began to fade.
i felt this way because
i really had it made.

this was all too perfect
nothing was as it seemed.
i knew all this because
it was all a dream.

ok all....i am off like a prom dress, so i will talk to u later...feel free to comment....

so yeah.....another fun filled day in the life of me.....yeah...i worked this morning, then i took a break from the YMCA and went on a motorcycle ride with my friend Bryan.  Bryan just so happens to be John's cuzin.  yeah....it was interesting only cuz i was so affraid to ever ride one.  but yeah...we went back to his place and watch pirates of the carribean.  never saw the movie but it was good.  but yeah......i am so tired...its not even funny..  so..my friend danielle is having a party on the 31st of this month, and i am gonan go.  steve is prolly gonna be there and we will see how that goes.....good or bad, i'm gonna have so much fun...but yeah......guess what?!!   ILOVE PICKLES!!!

so yeah...i'm leaving for arkansas at 6pm..........

wish me luck!!!!!!

so yeah...today has been quite eventful.  i wrote in here yesterday about how my ex boyfriend matt is getting deployed to iraq in august, well, i saw him today, and it took every ounce of strength that i had not to cry in front of him.  we went by the lake and he held my hand.  we went to dairy queen and he bought me a cookie dough blizzard.  we went back out to his car and ate the ice cream.  he started to talk bout war stuff and i could feel tears forming in my eyes.  he was talking bout how he was gonna die or end up with missing limbs cuz his unit is stupid.  i told him not to talk like he wasnt coming back.  i told him is not if he comes back its when he comes back.  i had to get back to work so he dparked in the lot and we talked for a few minutes b4 i had to go in.  we talked bout keepingin touch through email and whatnot, and then i asked him for a hug goodbye vecause that might be the last time i see him again.. we held eachother together and then he gave me a peck on the cheek.  as i was pulling away and getting out of the car, he grabs my hand and pulls me toward him.  by this time, my eyes are watering, and so r his.  he pulls me in for the most passionate kiss we have ever shared.  i love matt so much.  even though we arent together, i can still love him and he can still love me because the feeligns will always be there.  oh jeeze...like the pouring out of my emotions, so are the tears from my eyes.  i wish i had a shoulder to cry on, but i gues i will have to settle for a pillow.  its time for me to go to bed cuz i am tired and i leave tomorrow for arkansasa t 6pm.  good nite all!!!!!

so yeah.. i guess there has been a change of plans.  i'm not leaving monday...i'm leaving sunday around 6pm.  which means, i wont have that much time to see danielle and steve b4 i leave.  well, maybe i might see steve saturday if he decides to come visit me.  but oh well...what can i say....doo bi doo bi doo!!!!!

blah....i'm so sick right now..its not even funny.  i've been in and out of bed all day so far...yippee skippee!!!

so yeah.. another fun filled day in the life of me.  tomorrow is national make out day so find urself a pair of lips and kiss them.  unfourtunetly, i wont be participating in this historical event because the pair of lips that belongs to me are on a Alaskin cruise til next week sat.  damnit!~!!!grrrrrrrrrr....that really sux.  anywho.  i have been enjoying my days off because i am not working and i am not in school.  i leave for little rock arkansas on the 13th of this month because i am testing for my 4th degree.  yippee skippee!!! doo bi doo bi doo.....yup yup yup...i am so bored right now.. its not even funny.  but..the good news is....i get to eat dinner soon.  it is 11:06pm and dinner will be ready around 11:30 prolly.  my stomach is growling so loud. 

ok well.. time to go make the mac and cheese./  yummy yummy.  anywho..i cant wait til steve comes back.  i wanna kiss him so bad..  oh well....i guess i will have to wait. 

so yeah...another fun-filled day in the life of me... i just got back from the dentists office.  my mouth hurts like a bitch.  i have to go back and get a filling for a tooth.  yay!!! novacaine..i'll be drooling like a fool...but thats ok.  yeah.... tomorrow...i go on a blind date.  pretty scary cuz i met this guy online.  we r meeting at a starbucks so he cant try anything.  but anywho..time for me to go..i'm off to do some cleaning....i'll write in here more later...